CONFAN (Episode 2)

CONFAN (Episode 2: Presidential Address)

SPEAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your patience and co-operation. As you are sitted, refreshment is being served. Another dividend of our president’s hard work is the bilateral relationship with India, who have supplied the apples you are all being served (loud screams from the audience)

BABANGIDA: Shege n yaro! Daniska ne! Next thing you will be serving us tea from those that served Yaradua senior......

GIWA: (cuts in) hahahaha. Be grateful you are not getting letter from those that sent to me!

ANIKULAPO: My people self dey fear too much.......

SPEAKER: (shouts) Decorum please! Silence please! Can i have your attention! (noise continues). Okay, if you talk again, i will have you served tea! (silence reigns). Thank You! What is wrong with the apples?

ATIIKU: haba, Mr Speaker! Why not give us rope to hang ourselves if you so wish us death? The last man that ate Indian apples, we all know what happened.

SPEAKER: But there was no proof the apple.....

ANIKULAPO:(cuts in, laughs) Proof? He is right here with me! hahahahaha! He wont even take apple juice,  ever!

SPEAKER: Whatever! Please be assured that the apple is harmless, even the president takes it, alot.

Falana: Oh! If all he takes is apples, where is the one billion naira food allowance?

SPEAKER: Please refrain from digressing from the issues at hand. To assure you all that the apple is safe (takes a bite from an apple). Ha! Yei! Never mind, as i said, its safe. Also, the water you are being served is from our very own Ikogosi spring.....

OBASANJO: Laye! laye! (never, never), Omi odo! Stream water! Me! Soyinka, can you hear this?

SOYINKA: What is my own? I came with my water bottle.

OBASANJO: Then you will give me some, thank God.

SOYINKA:  Some what?  Do i look like water dispenser?  Iyabo, find water for your father

SPEAKER: Please Cheif, manage the water. Or you will take tea?

OBASANJO: Thank you, i was just joking, i prefer stream water because it makes me healthy.

SPEAKER: Ok. Please, everyone rise up as we welcome the President of Nigeria, Mrs Dame, sorry, Dr Jonathern and the first lady Mrs Dame Jonathan! Remain standing please! The first Nigerian president to have been a doctor, first unelected democratic president, and his charming wife, a round of applause for Dr and Patient, pardon, Patience!

(Patience walks in, followed by Jonathan. They walk to there reserved sits, courtesy and sit)

SPEAKER: Thank you! Thank you! Asari-Dokubo, thats enough! Stop clapping and bowing! He has seen you! Thank you!

KEYAMO: (loudly to no one in particular) Why is the first lady sitting on the Presidents sit and him sitting on her  sit?

AONDOAKA: What is wrong with that? Show me any part of the constitution that says a President cannot be controllled by his wife? Is he the first? Go to court!

DOKUBO: Your excellency! Why are you not with your cap?

JONATHAN: You think its easy? Wearing hat like undertaker everywhere i go. Sometimes i even sleep with it on. Do you know how many times my head overheat? Abeg, I need fresh breeze in my head.

SPEAKER: We would like to invite the President for a few words and then the First lady, thank you.

(Jonathan rises to give his address)

JONATHAN: I want to thank you all for being here, friends, enemies and the rascals from South-West. I want to specifically thank members of my cabinet especially Okonjo Iweala for running the government on my behalf, Sanusi for his endless shouting that made the people believe we are working and Ruqqayat for fooling ASUU on my behalf, as usual. As a man commited to Nigeria’s future i.e Project 2050, we are putting things in place to ensure we realize our unrealistic agenda. Many people have asked me about the promised dividends of subsidy, i ask them; did you allow me to remove it? No! So what are you talking about? The 1500 buses we said will aid transportation, many have said they cant see them in operation, well, i have not seen them too, so we are in this together. On electricity, how much did Baba spend without result? Have i spent half of that and you are shouting. However, i am most concerned about our educational sector because it holds the key to the future. Our educational sector is worse than has been claimed! If you spend 30 minutes talking to Patience you will know what how bad it is! For instance, darling, what do you think of Boko Haram? (to Patience)

PATIENCE: That people! She is a very dangerously group. They have killing men and woman, bombings everything.

JONATHAN: I believe my point is well illustrated. Let us work together and revamp our educational sector. Ruqqa! Stop deceiving ASUU. and for those protesting the renaming of UNILAG to MAU, more to come. It is necessary to rebrand our institutions and therefore in due time we will have Murtala Muhammed University (MUMU), Tafawa Balewa University (TABU) etc. As for those shouting about Boko Haram, dont you know the way to Maiduguri and Kano? Go there and see if you can do better than we are doing. As for Azizi, i have warned him, next time he talks rubbish i will deploy him to mount roadblock in Maiduguri. And let me warn Fashola, if i lay my hands on you, you will lose two front teeths. Thank you very much.

SPEAKER: Thank you Mr President for that enlightening speech about how this government is toiling to make life better for Nigeria. Without wasting our time, i call on the First lady to come up for her speech. First lady, please for the sake of our sanity and diction, be brief. Thank you.

PATIENCE: Thank you Mrs. Speaker! (loud murmur) As my husband have said we are going ripen the country to a good place.However, i want to beg all the mother of Nigeria children to watch them. They should not allow them be corrupted by all this rubbish musicians and actors and facebook internet. They should not listen these rubbish songs of nowadays. And i would want us to do ourselves a big favour by being original. Let us not be fake in what we use, wear, eat. As you can seeing, my husband always wearing local clothe even his boxers is locally made. I have seen it. Even if we want to buy foreign somethings, let us buy original that will last well and not spoil quick and make us buy another, which is wasting of money.

(a phone rings loudly,playing Kako bii chicken)

PATIENCE: (turns quickly to Jonathan) Darling abeg help me silence that my Techno fone.......

(to be continued)