CONFAN (Episode 1: Made in Nigeria)

CONFAN (Episode 1)

          This is a satirical comedy on Nigerian leaders, dead and living.

 The Jonathan administration has organized a conference of all Nigerian leaders, top businessmen, politicians, lawmakers, religious leaders, lawyers, activist, musicians, writers, militants and terrorists etc to discuss the Nigerian state. The meeting involves both the living who are physically present and the dead who contribute via video chat from the hereafter. 

SPEAKER; (clears throat) Good morning ladies and gentlemen, in line with the Jonathan administrations puest

UTOMI: did you say quest, crest or pest?

SPEAKER: I said (spells out) q u e s t! Quest! Dan Allah, do not interrupt or I have you thrown out. Thank you. As I was saying, in line with the quest for national integration, accelerated development and running an all inclusive government, our elected President (loud murmur from the audience), our president, has convened this meeting. After so much persuasions, pleas, cajoling, propaganda, threats and oiling of some hands, all our national leaders, past and present have agreed to participate. This conference is also achieving another first, all our dead heroes would be joining us, live, via live video chat provided by babangida’s network, sorry, I mean adenuga’s network. Any question so far? Yes, sanusi, you first.

SANUSI: Mr. Speaker, my point is, it is estimated that this project will cost Nigerian people about 25percent of the national.... (Cut short)

SPEAKER: (angrily) I said any question, not any objections!!! Can’t you hear English? If you are concerned about cost why are you here? Besides you are free to leave but refund the cost of your breakfast, 250 thousand naira. (Loud murmur from audience). I said don’t interrupt! I will have you all thrown out! Who said its expensive? It’s far cheaper than what Mrs. Oteh pays breakfast, did you crucify her?  Any other question? Yes, Oshiomole.

OSHIOMOLE: my question is why are there no common men here?

SPEAKER; Did you not hear? I said national leaders! If you so want the masses here, go and give your ticket to your driver, abi. Is Aregbesola not here? Till I bring shoemaker? Any other question? Yes, Babangida!

Babangida stands up and remains quiet

SPEAKER: yes, ask your.....

ANIKULAPO: (cuts in) Zombie oo! Zombie! Zombie no go talk except you......

SPEAKER: Fela!!! You can’t afford to pay back our plate of food; else I will have you sent out! Yes, General, ask your question.

BABANGIDA: Thank you Mr. Speaker, can I proceed?

ANIKULAPO: (shouts) Zombie ooo!

SPEAKER: Abami eda! You have not changed! Please precede, General.

BABANGIDA: Thank you, speaker. My question is, where is my old friend MKO Abiola? I have not seen him.

KUDIRAT: (angrily) Why? You want to kill him again?

BABANGIDA: No, madam, I need his support for my presidential ambition. 

SPEAKER: Enough! Please refrain from discussions that are outside the mandate of this topic. That will be all in the question and answer segment! Are you deaf? Ribadu, Falana and Okotie put down your hands! baa turenchi? No more questions I said! Now, I will allow a delegate from each ethnic group to briefly address us. Pleas welcome Chief Obasanjo from the Yoruba

 (Obasanjo rises and walks to the podium amidst applause)

ANIKULAPO: (shouts) International thief thief! ITT! International thief thief! International rogue! Internat....

OBASANJO: (clears throat) I want to thank our President, Dr Ebele Tinuomi Jonathan for conveying this meeting to....(turns to the speaker standing beside him) jo, pronounce this word for me

SPEAKER: broker, to broker

OBASANJO: yes, to broker a suitable (clears throat). abeg, forget this paper. these young men and there many grammer. You are all welcome to this meeting. I hope we will submit our prides and ethnic strong feelings and make decisions that will help Nigeria. Please lets make sure we find solution to corruption as it is a killing our nation. Ibori! Ok, he is still in jail, I forget. As to the election rigging wahala, I have already told the president, hiring Jesus will not solve it, not to talk of Jega. those ACN boys can rig an election between three people! Anyway, you are all welcme. Are boko haram representatives here? they are! I will be leaving for an ayeye soon anyway, thank you.

SPEAKER: thank you, cheif. let me draw your attention ladies and gentlemen to the fact that the yoruba race are still as divided as they are since the days of Awolowo. Therefore, welcome the Asiwaju, also leading some yoruba delegates

(Asiwaju walks to the podium carrying two large broomsticks)

ASIWAJU: I have only this to say; justice to the people! We all know those that rig. (shakes the brooms and leaves the podium)

SPEAKER: (shakes head) waste of slot! anyway, thank you asiwaju for conserving time. Now welcome General Buhari from the northern region.

(Buhari moves to the podium)

BUHARI: ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for coming together to salivate, sorry, I mean salvage our beloved Nigeria. when I look at the Nigerian state, am moved to tears (begins to shed tears and wipes face). And though I have been persistently denied the opportunity to do this, I still believe I will get there and do it. let me warn the government that a repeat of what obtains in previous elections will lead to violence. Most importantly, the Yanmirins should stay off Aso rock race in 2015! Nagode.

ANIKULAPO; Sorrow, tears and blood, them regular trade.....

SPEAKER: thank you General Buhari. Now Ojukwu would be addressing us via live video chat by our own indigenous network

OJUKWU: Igbo kwenu!........

GOWON: (cuts in) always the divisionist! One Nation, Ojukwu, One Nation!

OJUKWU: (angrily) over my dead body! One nation? Over my dead body......

ANIKULAPO: (laughs) you are dead already!

OJUKWU: On behalf of the Igbo nation, I welcome you all to this illeg....(screen goes blank)

SPEAKER: sorry for the break in network service, engineers, thank you for the network break. He was talking out of context. ladies and gentleman, our other national leaders like Awolowo, Azikwe, Balewa, Bello,Murtala, Abiola would be joining us shortly via......

OBASANJO: (cuts in) Rara ooo! Oku o ki n ba alaye rojo! why will the dead consult with the living?

SPEAKER: but sir, we already mentioned that they would be joining to offer insights on Nigeria issues

OBASANJO: Iro se! oo to be! when you were saying it, I thought it would not work, afterall it is Nigerian network! Now I just saw that omo ibo on the screen, I know you mean business! So bringing Boko Haram is not enough? Oku! Oku! Am leaving,Kia kia, am leaving! (makes to leave)

SPEAKER: sir, am sure we can reach an ......

OBASANJO: are you deaf, mo ni mo n lo ile! am going home!

SPEAKER: ok, if you say so. howevever, let me inform you ladies and gentlemen, that the jet that would be conveying Chief back is the first made in Nigeria aeroplane and this would be its first flight as a mark of honour on Chief

OBASANJO: (shocked) Ehn! Ehn! Ehn! Kilowi! you say? made in Nigeria jet? ta lo she? who build am? who e go carry? emi? me? rara oo! never!

SPEAKER: but sir, its of even higher standard than what is obtained in other contries

OBASANJO: exactly! higher standard, like our corruption!  its because of the higher standard I wont enter! Infact, mi o lomo! I think on second thought, I would rather stay here and contribute to Nigeria. I no dey go

SPEAKER: Chief, you sure sir?

OBASANJO: what is your own? I say I no dey go again! na by force? (shouts) Iyabo! Iyabo! bring me my bible,  make I dey read Psalm 91!

(to be continued)